The friends as mirrors concept is really great. If you’re anything like me, you’ll have lots of different friends that reflect different sides of your personalities, or your different moods. I admire my friends for different reasons and have different types of conversations with them when I’m with them.

I have my old friends from high school. With a couple of my friends, we can’t go 10 minutes without reverting back to talking about people from high school or talking about the “old days”. My husband just LOVES to hang out and listen to us rant and rave about all of these people who he doesn’t know! But even though I know how bored he is, I cant’ help but laugh and whoop it up with these friends even when the stories we’ve told have grown so old that my husband could recite them from memory. Then, I have friends that I talk “kids” with on a regular basis. We share our secrets for motivating our kids or swap stories back and forth of how the kids are doing at school. Several of these friends I see at school so we also have that in common. I find it comforting to connect with these friends a few times a week for short minutes at a time. I know they’re living their personal or work life in between the hours of 8-3:00PM like I am and many of us are doing kid stuff in the afternoons like Taekwando.

I have my “beautiful friends” who I talk to about staying in shape and working out. I want to spend even more time with these friends as this is an important part of my life right now. But truth be known, I sometimes avoid these friends if I’m feeling particularly sluggish, fat, or the feeling I’m having a bad hair day. And if I’m going to see any of them, I usually work out hard for several days in a row to drop a few lbs before I have to go out with them. It’s always great motivation having friends like these. I know they’re not judging me, but they genuinely know my desire to be in shape so they come armed with lots of ideas and motivation.

I have my “TV” or “PR” friends who have creative minds and are constantly in the “Know”. I find them intriguing and exciting and when I’m around them, I want to appear brilliant, creative and witty. Of course this doesn’t always happen and so I sometimes have to get back with them about something I’ve found out that they might like. I always want to feel like I’m bringing them as much value as they bring me. These folks are similar to my work associates or friends. These are people I’ve worked with or for through the years, and we catch up a few times a year. I enjoy hearing about their lives and their triumphs as well as their struggles. I knew them for a “season” in my life when we were close and although we’ll never be that close again, we’ll still remain friends, just at a distance.

Then I have a few of those, “just come as you are” type of friends. We have no masks, no games, and no agenda. We can pour out our hearts to one another without the risk of rejection and no fear of losing the friendship. These are the friends whose calls I’ll take any time of the day or night, and will return their call promptly as soon as I see it on the screen. These friends include my mom and my sister, and a few others who will always be some of my best friends. We can go months without talking, or talk every day, but the intimacy and realness is always there.

I’ve had to let a few friends go here and there. The ones who had unreal expectations of the amount of time I was able to offer in friendship, were told the truth. Others had other agendas in their lives that made it hard to relate. Still others, didn’t understand my role as a mom and the choices I made separated us by our own individual beliefs. Some new friends have had to be told that I’m just not able to get together now due to some additional responsibilities, and that in a few months, my personal situation will probably be a bit different. I’ve found that honesty is the best policy, because even new friends can tend to get their feelings hurt when you don’t respond to their invitations.

Some friends I’m surprised are still with me. I’ve been through so many personal ups and downs that I can’t believe they’re still around to cheer me on. Other friends, I wish I could connect with more, but for one reason or another their lives have taken them on a completely different journey. Many of them I miss, and will always think of them often.

If our friends are our mirrors, I’m feeling pretty good right about now. Even though my life isn’t full of socializing, I still feel the closeness of a few very dear friends and blessed to enjoy the personalities of many interesting individuals who I enjoy wholeheartedly. Lives become rich because of the friends we keep and the relationships we nurture.

We don’t have friends, we have mirrors. Who is in your mirror today?

One of these ladies I’ve been coaching for over a year, the other is a new client. I thought that they would really enjoy each other because they are both serious about their work, both make a lot of money, are very smart and they have another few things in common.

They FLIRT!

Okay, let me get one thing straight. Neither of them HAS to flirt. Men would fall all over either of them just because of their beauty alone. But they both have very outgoing personalities and are charming in addition to being smart. They also have ANOTHER thing in common.

WOMEN DESPISE THEM.

I know! Can you believe it!? Women hate both of these ladies because of their beauty and their talent. Not only do women despise them but they are torturous to them! They talk behind their backs, they spread rumors and they treat them mean.

CAT FIGHT, CAT FIGHT.. I can just hear all of you guys now! Oh PLEASE! I know enough about you guys to know that you have envy too, but you just handle it differently.. like try to injure each other on the basketball court, or kill each other on the golf course. Okay, maybe not as much, but men are naturally competitive and it drives you harder. You often feel you have control over your destiny since you are often judging yourself on your income.

Women? We get judged on our looks first, and THEN everything else.

The thing about both of these women is that they are some of the nicest people I know. They are fun and lively and smart. They are ambitious and they are interesting to talk to. I have enjoyed getting to know both of them very much and I just know that if women would take some time to get to know them, they’d enjoy their company. But instead, the women demean themselves by displaying raging jealousy and use up all of their energy in a negative way… instead of being productive.

Okay, let me address the fact that they flirt. What I’ve counseled at least one of the ladies to do is to be personable and friendly when work isn’t the primary focus, but when presenting to an audience, especially in a mixed group, professionalism is the best bet.

One rule of thumb: Don’t flirt at the office. Okay, if you do flirt, then just don’t flirt in front of other women. That brings up insecurity in other women. And DON”T flirt with another woman’s man when she’s there. That is the ULTIMATE “no no”!

So I have two challenges here for ladies. If you are beautiful and in business A) Be better than everyone else at your job. Come early, stay late and be committed to your company. If people are going to be talking about you (and they will) at least they won’t be able to say that you don’t work hard. You know that they’ll be saying things like that you “slept your way to the top” and that can be damaging to your reputation. So be the #1 employee in your department and do whatever you can do education wise to stay on top.

Next, be a supporter to other women. You are a target for hatred, jealousy and other women’s insecurity. Whatever you can do to pull women together or serving them will help women get over your major issue of beauty. If you are a mom and don’t have time to throw networking get “togethers”, then at least make sure you have a few female friends in your back pocket to commiserate with. I’ve encouraged these women to get on a sports team so they aren’t seen as the “pretty and successful” ones there. They can be sweating it out looking gross like everyone else.

“Although I bet these two women don’t sweat. They’re too perfect. You should see them, I bet they never have ANY problems.. I have had to work SO much harder than them and I never had anyone coaching me when I was THEIR age. Hmmmmph!”

Ooopss!! I guess I even have to catch myself at times. I remind myself that we are all on our own paths and that while beauty and money may make life a bit easier, they can make it a bit more challenging too.

And you know I LLLLLLOOOOOOVVVVVVVVVE a challenge!

She asked me for individual help with the issue.

When I asked her to describe the exact situations of when she was ignored, she tilted her head at a fairly severe angle and as I spoke, she bobbed her head up and down in agreement as if she knew exactly the information that she needed to deliver to me to make me happy.

As soon as she did that, I said to her, Michelle, you are sweet. You are sincere. And you are very agreeable and likeable. “You are like a puppy.. lick, lick, lick. I like you…… love you.. and I want you to love me back” I said, “ you are lovable, but you aren’t powerful”.

You are a living Bobble Head doll.

Oh my gosh. I knew it right then that I sounded like Simon Cowell from American Idol. I felt the blood rush to my face because I was just going on instinct and with my gut and that’s what came out. Sometimes I have learned that going with the gut can hurt a person, so I immediately tempered what I said by adding, “but, with one change, you’ll be able to get a completely different response from people.. and you’ll like it.”

I explained to her that men would never be as agreeable as she was being with people. So, I forced her to look at me straight on with no tilt to her head. I practiced with her in polite conversation where she was not allowed to move her head. I had her practice SLOW movements that were controlled.

Low and behold, Michelle came back to class the next week with an unbelievable report! She told us she conducted a meeting with another senior manager in the room who NEVER pays attention. During the meeting, when he was looking down, not paying attention and doodling, she stopped and waited for his attention. She never wavered. She never looked too agreeable. And she never bobbled.

She got the attention. Not only of that manager who never pays attention, but she got the attention of everyone in the room who asked her afterwards what she did to get HIS attention. Now they were ALL curious!

She never did confide in them about the tiny little change that she made. But when she shared that success with the class I literally screamed for joy. I knew that she had a major breakthrough and that she’d never again be rolled over by people accepting her friendliness as weakness.

For me, the coach, I felt like a proud mama who saw her child win a race for the first time. And that’s why I do this job. It’s the little things like that, that can make the difference!